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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23451580">Absorb</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats'>camichats</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Dictionary Prompts [77]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Background Character Death, Closeted Character, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 14:27:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,235</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23451580</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>James had never come out, even when Sirius did to him. He doesn't take his parents' death well, and the choice is taken out of his hands when Sirius sees him at a gay club.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sirius Black/James Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Dictionary Prompts [77]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1027923</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>95</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Absorb</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James knocked on Sirius's door, and <em> then </em> realised that it was the middle of the night and maybe he should've called or waited until tomorrow. Even as he thought it though, he knew that he needed to see Sirius and maybe get a really long hug because it kinda felt like his world was crumbling around him, and he wasn't too happy with that. </p><p>There was no answer, and James took a deep breath, knocking again, louder. If he didn't want to inconvenience Sirius, he would've left instead of knocking more, but their relationship didn't really work off of being convenient for each other. </p><p>Sirius answered the door a second later, hair mussed, face flushed, and clothes disheveled. If that weren't enough to clue James in that he'd been- ahem- busy, the bloke standing behind him would've done it. "James? You alright?" </p><p>"Er, sorry to interrupt," he muttered, glancing at whoever the hell that was. </p><p>"It's okay," Sirius said, wiping at his mouth. "What's wrong?" </p><p>"Erm." James looked at the man again. </p><p>"That sort of conversation, got it." Sirius pushed the door wider and took a couple steps back, turning to his... boyfriend? Hook up? "Sorry Patty, looks like I'm gonna have to cancel on you." </p><p>"It's alright," he said with a small smile, fixing his shirt. </p><p>"I'll call you tomorrow," Sirius offered, and Patty nodded. </p><p>Patty was shorter than Sirius, so he had to lean up to get a kiss goodbye, and it was obvious-- even to James-- that Sirius ended it a bit quicker than he normally would have. He was probably worried about James's reaction because for all his supposed courage, when Sirius had come out to James, James hadn't done the same. </p><p>Another awkwardly exchanged goodbyes, and Patty left. Sirius gave his shirt a tug to get it vaguely back in place then ruffled his hair. "Sorry," he mumbled. </p><p>"No, I mean- I'm the one that interrupted your night." </p><p>"Still. I know you've never been..." Sirius shook his head. </p><p>"Never been what?" James asked when it became clear that Sirius wasn't going to finish the sentence on his own. </p><p>"Completely comfortable with me fancying men." </p><p>"What? What makes you think that?" </p><p>"C'mon James, it doesn't matter. What brought you here?" </p><p>"That can wait. Why the hell do you think I'm not comfortable with it? Have I said something or-?" </p><p>"No, course not. It's just... the way you always look at the guy I'm with. Doesn't matter who it is or how long we've been together, you never like him from the moment you see him." </p><p>That was because James was jealous. And him being jealous and a possessive arse when it came to Sirius was why he hadn't told him he was gay too. "Oh." </p><p>Sirius huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, 'oh'." </p><p>"That's- I know what it looks like, but I swear, that's not what it is." </p><p>Sirius sighed, running his hands through his hair to get some of the tangles out that came from having someone else's hands in it. "Yeah, whatever. What's up? You okay?" </p><p>James thought about pushing it, but pushing it would mean admitting the truth and... well, he wasn't any less of a coward now than he was back then, when Sirius had looked so bloody nervous sitting on his own fourposter as he let it spill out of his mouth in a hurried mess. "Yeah I'm- I'm fine. Just. Mum and Dad, you know?" </p><p>Sirius's expression turned sympathetic, and he knew what the news was without James having to say a word. Mr. and Mrs. Potter were getting pretty old, and when they'd had to go in hospital for issues with their lungs, they all knew that they probably weren't coming out. "Yeah. Need a cuddle?" he offered, holding his arms open. </p><p>James nodded, moving in and easily slotting into place. "We knew it was coming, I just..." </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>James swallowed, burrowing closer. </p><hr/><p>James wasn't taking his parents deaths well, and he knew that he wasn't. He couldn't get himself to stop, either, which meant he was deciding to do stupid shite, hating himself for it, and doing it anyways. One time he got utterly smashed all by himself in his flat, then showed up to work completely hungover. That had been pretty dumb. It was a good thing him and Sirius worked together, because Sirius took one look at him and whisked him back home, telling their boss that he was sick. He'd also called up Lily, his ex from back in their school days, but she knew that his interest in her was purely from loneliness, so it didn't have any lasting horrible effects. </p><p>But this. This was his worst decision yet. Because he was in a gay club even though he was very firmly in the closet. And sure, he'd had a passing interest in some men, but for the most part he had eyes for Sirius and no one else. He was shoving that to the back of his mind though, because a bloke had taken an interest in him on the dance floor and James was encouraging that interest. He needed to stop thinking about Sirius all the bloody time, and this seemed like a great way to make that happen. </p><p>He didn't catch the man's name before he was getting pressed between the wall and his body, but it didn't matter; this was casual, not the start to a relationship. He was having a pretty good time, finally starting to get out of his head, when the bloke was wrenched backwards. "What-" James pulled up short, eyes going wide when he saw who'd been doing the wrenching. "Sirius." Shit. </p><p>"Don't <em> fucking </em> touch him," Sirius growled, glaring so hard at the man that James was worried he was actually about to start a fight. </p><p>Fortunately, the bloke didn't look to be in any mood to fight, holding up his hands in the universal gesture for peace. He glanced at James. "You should've mentioned you had a boyfriend, mate." </p><p>"He's not my boyfriend," James said, looking at Sirius incredulously. "What the hell are you-" </p><p>"We're leaving. Now," Sirius said firmly, grabbing James by the arm and starting to pull him towards the door. </p><p>"Sorry," James said to the other guy, giving a confused wave. The man shrugged it off, and James went back to looking at the back of Sirius's head and wondering what the hell was going on. "What're you-" </p><p>"Shut it," Sirius bit out. </p><p>James fell silent and swallowed thickly. He knew that when he finally came out to Sirius it wouldn't be taken well for the sheer amount of time that it had taken, but it was difficult to deal with now that it was happening. </p><p>They made it out of the building and James tried again. </p><p>"I'm sorry if-" </p><p>"Get in the sodding car." Sirius sounded furious, and James listened for once. </p><p>Sirius slammed his door shut when he got in, and it was a quiet drive to James's flat. They didn't even have the radio on. He came around to James's side after they parked and helped him out of the car. James thought it was a little strange, but he didn't put two and two together until Sirius kept an arm around him while they kept walking. "I'm not drunk." </p><p>Sirius let out a small, harsh laugh. "That just makes it worse." </p><p>"What're you talking about?" </p><p>"I know that you're having a hard time losing your parents, but this is getting out of hand." </p><p>"I'm allowed to have a casual hook up in a club if I want to." </p><p>Sirius snorted. Normally when Sirius did that to James, it was fond. Right now, it was just angry. "I'm so glad you think of experimenting with your sexuality as a way of getting over their death." </p><p>"I'm not experimenting," James muttered. </p><p>Sirius still had one hand on James, like maybe he hadn't believe him when he said he wasn't drunk, and the other one was about to put the key in the lock. He froze. "What?" </p><p>"I- I like men." </p><p>Sirius took a deep breath, then unlocked the door and pushed it open. "When did you figure it out?" </p><p>James closed the door and kept his head down. </p><p>"James? It's just me, I'm not going to judge you for it. I mean, it took me a couple years to work it out, and I know that with Lily-" </p><p>"I've known since I was twelve," James interrupted, staring at the floor. He didn't want to make Sirius think worse of him, but he also couldn't stand here and let Sirius make excuses for him. </p><p>Silence. </p><p>James rubbed at his face and finally chanced a look up. </p><p>"Oh," Sirius said belatedly. "I guess you never planned on coming out, then?" </p><p>"Not really." </p><p>Sirius ruffled his hair, looking sheepish. "Sorry." </p><p>"Why the hell are you apologising?" </p><p>"Because I saw you there even though you didn't want me to know. It's not like I went there <em> looking </em> for you, but still. And, I mean, yeah I wish that you would've been comfortable enough around me to want to tell me, but it's... complicated, I get that." </p><p>"You always think the best of me," James noted, mouth twisting. "I never thought it would piss me off so much." </p><p>Sirius blinked at him, thrown by the sudden change this had taken. He'd been working himself up for some gentle-- if awkward-- back and forth about their different experiences after being wrongfully pissed at him, or maybe they would talk about something else entirely to show that this news didn't change anything between them. He'd probably apologise for yanking him out of the club like that since he'd completely misread the situation, but that was it. He definitely hadn't thought that James would get mad at him. "What?" </p><p>"I lie to you, for years, and you're just-" James made a gesture to encompass Sirius "-accepting it. Acting like it doesn't bloody matter. Trying to blame yourself like I'm not a complete tosser." </p><p>They were still standing in the entryway, so it was easy for Sirius to reach out and put a hand on his shoulder. "You can't rush yourself, it's not like-" </p><p>"Not like what," James interrupted, tone belligerent as he shoved Sirius's hand off of him and stepped further into his flat. "I wasn't scared of what everyone would think. I wasn't having trouble accepting myself." </p><p>"Okay," Sirius said slowly, holding up his hands in a nonthreatening manner. "Then what was it?" </p><p>"I'm a buggering coward." </p><p>"You're not a coward for not coming out, it doesn't work like that." </p><p>"I love you," James said. Saying it aloud didn't make him feel any better about it. The words rang in his head, and his tone sounded worse with every moment. He'd said it weird. He emphasized the wrong word. It sounded insincere. He let out a humourless laugh, tugging at his hair like the small bite of pain would make him feel better for making an arse out of himself. "Stupid, right? This entire bloody time, and I..." He dropped his hand and shook his head. "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." </p><p>"James-" </p><p>"Get out." He didn't want to hear Sirius tell him that it was okay. He didn't want the pity that would come alongside it. </p><p>"You're kicking me out?" Sirius asked, sounding crushed. </p><p>James just started walking to his bedroom. </p><p>"<em>James</em>, please, don't- we can-" </p><p>"No. I don't want to do this. God, I should've just kept my mouth shut. I could've kept pretending that everything was fine, and-" </p><p>"You never liked my boyfriends," Sirius cut in. </p><p>James clenched his jaw. "No." </p><p>"I never liked Lily. Not while you were dating. I bloody <em> hated </em> her back then." </p><p>James looked back at him, seeing a tremulous smile. </p><p>"You want to know the number one rule for us queers?" </p><p>He should say something, either confirm or deny or tell him to leave again. But Sirius wasn't looking at him like he was about to reject him or that he judged him. </p><p>"Never fall in love with your straight best friend." </p><p>"You...?" </p><p>Sirius nodded, taking a tentative step towards him. "I never... you know? When I told you I fancied men, I was kind of hoping that you'd say you did too and then we'd- I dunno, kiss. Start dating. Something like that. But you didn't like men, so it was okay that I didn't have a chance." </p><p>"You're..." James was starting to tear up, the stress from the past week and the roller coaster of emotions he'd been on tonight alone hitting him hard. He sniffled, blinking rapidly to try and clear his eyes. "Thanks for bringing me home." </p><p>"It's what best mates do." </p><p>"And for not letting me be at work when I was that hungover." </p><p>Sirius chuckled. "No problem. You've always been pretty easy to be around, I knew I'd have to work in this friendship at some point." </p><p>"I don't think the relationship is going to be any easier." </p><p>Sirius was looking at him like James had always wanted: with love, fondness, and like there was no one he'd rather be with. "It won't. I'm willing to give it a try, if you are." </p><p>"Has that ever been in question?" </p><p>"A bit," Sirius said with a crooked smile. "Just... I need to know you're in this for real." </p><p>"I am." </p>
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